...and this is where we live now....

I’ve been quiet. To this land of the internet, as good as dead. It’s a combination of tiredness and a distinct lack of connectivity; mostly I have been siphoning any leftover filaments of energy I have crawling into bed with my boy – or lying with my legs across his lap watching made for TV murder mysteries, tracing his prominent eyebrows with the soft pads of my thumbs. I’d go so far as to say I’d spend all of my free time with him, doing whatever mundane task the day required of us, just sitting on a bus getting to wherever it is that we need to go. But in truth, buses make him edgy, and it’s an often arduous task simply travelling as a pair. His shoulders hunch up as if poised on the precipice of battle, his eyes dart toward the footfall of strangers every time the doors open. At first, I found this attitude odd, but with time and a shift in residence I’ve come to realise it’s not so much nature as nurture. It is, as much as anything, a South London thing. Defining personality by geography, as if gleaning personal insight by reading the A-Z.

South London is ugly. From the false hope of the south bank of the Thames, the beautifully lit Royal Albert Hall and the lights on the bridges, the city slopes down into a wasteland of fried chicken shops, clothing stores selling itchy, alien coloured polyester, signs boasting ‘EVERYTHING £5!!!’, mobile phone stores, their windows garishly lit with Chinese LED signs, ‘OPEN TIL LATE’ ‘PHONE UNBLOCKING DONE HERE’, pink plastic diamond encrusted iphone covers hanging in their windows. All goods on sale, everything displayed. Even the crackheads and whores (or as is common, crackwhores) find little reason to hide themselves south of the river. They press themselves up outside 24hour minicab offices, drinking Super Tennants, selling their wares, themselves, as if Peking ducks in restaurant windows on the streets of hungry Beijing.
There’s a peculiarity built into the South London demeanour; an out and out aggression, a sort of spit and snarl that acts as a precursor to every sentence, every action. You hear it all the time, it saturates the already damp air. The 188 bus runs from central Russell Square to southerly Greenwich. An accidental misstep, the result of the jerking bus plucking your centre of gravity like a reverberating chord, will in Bloomsbury be met with a staid lack of acknowledgement or a polite grimace. But by the time the bus starts its path down Tower Bridge Road into Bermondsey, the same action will be met with a small snap at best, an onslaught of abuse at worst. I ride the bus trying to fit my whole self into a space too small to physically inhabit, hearing the hard wet slapping sound, like heavy feet running on a pavement, of all those altercations taking place, . I sit at the back at the bus only when it’s empty, and when it’s full, as near to the doors as possible. If it is ever me that stands on someone’s foot, my elbow digging into someone’s back, I feel my North of the River, privileged upbringing spill out of me like sick. “Sorry, I’m so sorry.”

“Tsss...” The low hiss and growl of Bermondsey. “Fucking mug.”

This South London is new to me. Sure, I lived in Battersea for a substantial time and yes, it is an area that exists on the southern bank of the river, but one can scarcely call it South London. I loved Battersea, the park and the river and the crumbling mansions blocks on Albert Bridge Road, the poor man’s Chelsea, the beat up red merc with the soft top held together with duct tape. I live in South London now. Actual South London, proper South London, Pie and Mash and Millwall South London. I live just near the heart of the blue, near a 24hour supermarket big as an aeroplane hanger, on a noisy street that most Saturdays is peppered with riot vans and football violence. I guess, as it goes, I call South London home now. But when you come to the teeth and bones of it, truthfully I don’t like it much. Most of the time, I don’t like it at all.

I remember having a conversation with Shelley once, a million years ago, where I boldly proclaimed that I wouldn’t want to fly First Class once if I could never fly it again. What would be the point? Every trip after that I would only think of how things were just that much nicer on the other side of the curtain. Champagne before takeoff, real china, proper cutlery. The ability to breathe without tasting your neighbour’s sour recycled air. Ignorance, I told myself, was bliss. It was a silly teenage thing to say and I don’t agree now with my 16 year old self, but I can’t help but find a small nugget of truth in my juvenile petulance. There’s always a slight sad taste, like metal, when things aren’t as good as they used to be.
Don’t misunderstand me. I’m happier now than I was then. Personally, I’m in a better place. But in a bid for self preservation, I still avoid going anywhere near to Baker Street as far as I can help it.

In which I go FUCKIN' NOWHERE!

There’s a great scene in the Boondock Saints, where a detective stands over the heavily bandaged and previously bleeding body of a dead Russian mobster and yells in his thick Boston accent, “He ain’t goin’ nowhere! He’s goin’ fuckin’ nowhere!” He leans down, “Where you goin’? Nowhere!!”

Right now, I should be in South Africa, eating a steak and drinking red wine from a glass the size of my head. Instead, I am in London. I was supposed to fly out on Thursday night but all the planes in the UK have been grounded. There’s a giant ash cloud floating somewhere above me, the spit and guts of some bad tempered volcano in Iceland. It was my birthday yesterday and I should’ve been home for it, but like Detective Greenly so eloquently put it, I’m goin’ fuckin’ nowhere.

I don’t usually get too riled up either way when it comes to my trips back and forth and all over. I don’t get all that excited when I am heading off somewhere, just as I don’t get teary at airports when I leave. I don’t get excited when I book tickets, I don’t count down in calendars. I don’t pack a week before. I wake up on the day of travel, sort my luggage out, get a train to get to my plane to fly off to wherever it is I am going. It’s just easier that way. I just go. However, this time was a little different. Maybe it’s because I haven’t seen my Mom, Dad, Brother & Sister for a few months more than I’d like. Maybe it’s because we’ve been dealing with some pretty hectic family stuff over the last few months, almost all of which I’ve had to do remotely. Meltdowns over electronic devices are hard to contain; the constant crashing of the latest (shitty) version Skype and repeated lapses in cell phone signal makes for frustrating communication. Needless to say, there is a dire need for some face time with the family and sentences that run on without long radio silences. Maybe it’s that I moved out of my last permanent residence in February and have been house sitting since then and my sense of permanence has become permeable once again – I ache for roots. So for the first time in god knows how long or how many trips, three days before I was due to fly off and away, I packed my bags. I sorted my goods into essential and non essential items, hauling the non essentials up precarious ladders into dusty loft spaces, cob webs tickling my nose, the groaning beams sounding like ghosts, scaring me more than I knew they should’ve.

On Thursday morning I woke up ready to fly the same route I’ve done countless times. And then, at 9am, my sister called me. “Have you seen the news? You need to check your flight, there’s volcanic ash in British Airspace.” What followed was a flurry of phone calls between South Africa and England, The SAA help desk and constantly checking for updates online. No one was saying anything. I was still holding onto the hope that I would be able to fly or at worst, be delayed for a few hours. I went to go and say goodbye to Laura at her shop up the road and on my way back, stopped to by something to eat. I looked at the time on my phone. 13:01. SAA said that they would release a statement at 1pm, finalising their flight plans for the day. 13:01. I dialled their number, now imprinted in my brain. An automated voice service crackled across the line “Due to the volcanic eruption in Iceland, all SAA flights departing London today, the 15^th of April, have been canceled. We apologise for the inconvenience.” And I don’t know if it was because I was dead set on being home for my birthday, or the fact that I was slightly shaky with hunger and had an express train of PMS related hormones bulleting through my body, but I just burst into tears; big, shaky, hiccupping tears, right there, in the sandwich aisle of Marks & Spencer.

I did what anyone in my position would do. I went home, ate a sandwich, picked up my bags and went to Shelley and Paul’s house in Chiswick. When in doubt, go to Chiswick. This is a failsafe option that has saved me many, many times. Sad? Go to Chiswick. Drunk at 4am and unable to get into your house? Go to Chiswick. State of occasional pseudo homelessness? Chiswick. Hungry? Chiswick. Lonely? Chiswick. So when I found out that my flights home was canceled and I was in crying in the sandwich aisle territory, I knew I needed to go to Chiswick.

The birthday that I had planned fell by the wayside, and instead it was that I woke up in Shelley and Paul’s spare room with the phantom beast that is the occasional April sunshine streaming in through the windows. Lunch was a cheeseburger at Sam’s Brasserie, quite commonly known to the very best burger to the found in London. In the evening, Magpie traipsed through to Chiswick bearing gifts of Falke tights and Mac eyeliner and we went to Sam’s (again, sometimes once a day isn’t enough) and drank rhubarb cocktails and Sgroppinos and ate plates of cheese and helpings of lamb koftas with harissa yoghurt. It wasn’t a total bust. In fact, it actually turned out to be a really good day.

I’ve rebooked my ticket twice and at the moment I plan to be flying out on Sunday night, but as it stands the Volcano continues to spit up into the sky and the wind continues to blow over England and since I’m quite safely out of the crying in the sandwich aisle territory, I’m not holding my breath. I doubt the airports will open by then. I hope to fly sometime in the next week. But until then.... I’m going fucking nowhere.

Paris vs Berlin

It’s a question I’ve had over and over in the last few months, “So, which did you prefer? Paris or Berlin?"

It’s on odd thing, the way those two seem to be, to most, the ultimate in atmospheric city competition and simply cannot co-exist in the intrepid wanderer’s heart. I find it particularly curious as when I returned from Shanghai, no one declared, “Shanghai or Hong Kong? You must choose!” Similarly, there has never been any need for me state a preference between Christchurch and Sydney or Champagne and Franschoek, Barcelona or Brooklyn. But having lived in both Paris and Berlin, it appears that I am meant to find myself drawn more toward one than the other.

One thing I have heard numerous times, without any prompting, “Berlin is so you! More so than Paris!” As if I had preceded this statement with some confession of how I was never really all that comfortable buying baguettes twice a day and eating figs for breakfast every morning. For the record, no such thing is true. The honest truth is that I love Paris. I loved it then, I love it now. I miss it. I often read apartment listings longingly, wiishing the pound to gain in strength against the now almighty euro and bid my return to My Beautiful Paris. But the statement, the casual brush off of “Berlin is so you, Paris isn’t” is such a sideswipe it has often left me reeling. How am I not Paris? Are my shoes not designer enough? A quick glance at my shelves proves otherwise, spotted: Gucci, Versace, McQueen, Louboutin, Gina, Giles Deacon, Pucci, etc. No, i think I own sufficient snobbish footwear to qualify to Paris. What is it then? Am I not elegant streets and window boxes and city beaches in July? Am I not sidewalk cafes and wine in the afternoon and hot, buttery garlicky escargots and silk scarves and Laduree and coral lipstick in the cracks of the mouths of the old women in their moth eaten furs on the threadbare carpets of the beautifully dilapidated tea salons, eating nicoise salads, feeding the hard boiled eggs to their dogs? How am I not Paris, as much as I am a bit of everywhere that that I have ever been?

I don’t feel that I’ve gone anywhere and not taken something from it. It’s true I may not be Paris through and through, because I am also a little bit cold Methode Cap Classique in Robertson’s thundering rain, Shark Kites in Shanghai’s night sky, Milk Dumplings in Ningbo’s private dining halls, the thrill of cyclone in Coney Island and eating pizza at 5am in New York’s Lower East Side and Tuscany’s tiny passage ways and kid sized cars. I’m at least a fraction watermelon cocktails and blown out tyres under brutal Spanish sun and a tiny bit of those little pewter coloured pottery bowls bought on the side of the road in Swaziland, and just a hint of the Mozambique sunrise and a whiff of the dhows and dawas in Mombassa. A little bit British, a good handful of African red earth and the smell of gum trees and petrol and spice and hair cream and Zam-Buk.

How am I not one place as much as anywhere I have been?

And how am I so Berlin? How am I Berlin more so than anywhere else?

Berlin is a confused city. It bears its scars. It is, in my opinion, the only major western city that would do something like leave the bombed out spire of the Kaiser Wilhelm Church as is and make no attempt to mask it, rather to preserve it as a testament to loss. Berlin makes no qualms of its scars, its past. They are plain enough to see. As if finding shame in its past would equate a dismissal of its self, its bones. Berlin has long lived under a fragmented rule. It has been pulled apart by separate governing states. It has been burned. It has been bombed. It has been literally divided in thought and process and physicality. And even now, its identity is being forged. Even now, all these years after the war and the wall. Berlin is still learning how to be. It’s no wonder it is such a haven for the worlds poets, punks and general lost souls. At least in Berlin, you are always almost in sync with a city struggling to find its way, stumbling over its own feet, just as you are.

So maybe, in this way, I am Berlin. Fragmented. Stateless. Divided.

Falling apart at the seams

I feel utterly trashy. Not the good kind of trashy, a glitter on the pillow, smeared eye makeup and an inexplicable left brogue sans owner found in the kitchen kind of trashy. No, I am referring more to the plastic garden furniture in your living room kind of trashy.

Everything I own is falling apart.

My Laptop
The state of my laptop is thoroughly depressing. I remember when I got it and it seemed to weigh as little as a single stamped envelope. It was small and fast and the keys had just enough yield that typing created a pleasant tapping. My laptop seems to have aged with me. Let’s just say it’s not as svelte as it once was. I am embarrassed to show it in public. The keyboard is clogged. I have no explanation for this. I clean the keyboard regularly, and yet it seems as if a thin layer of filth has infected it and I need to type really hard for the letters to register on screen. Often, the C will refuse to work unless I hold my thumb down on it for several seconds. The F10 key is missing. Thankfully I have never had a use for the F10 key, so it doesn’t hinder me too much.

The insides of the poor thing are in even worse shape. At random intervals, my internet explorer will open umpteenth windows of whatever site I am on. Frantically, I work to shut them all down, but my computer is not as fast as it used to be and this takes time. Sometimes, if too many open up too quickly I simply have to wait for all 47 windows to open and the inevitable crash that ensues. At least once every 2-4 days, my screen flips upside down. There is an awful moment when the screen goes black and then my cursor will appear, the tiny arrow pointing down. Then the whole screen will return, only upside down. I have no idea why this happens. I’ve run virus checks, spyware checks, AVG, everything I can think of. Even my computer genius brother doesn’t know why it happens. When it does, I have to restore my system. This is not the most speedy of tasks. In fact, I believe that system restores are filed under ‘Ball Ache’ in the big book of life. To make matter worse, I have to restore my system UPSIDE DOWN and in reverse. When I drag my mouse right, the cursor goes left. It’s a bloody nightmare.

The speakers no longer work. They haven’t worked for about a year. However, you could still get sound through headphones. This morning, the headphone port spat out tiny bits of plastic and metal. In order to get sound before, you had to press the jack down, as there was, I can only assume, a bit of a dodgy connection. However, the laptop is apparently tired of that and now there is no sound to be had. At all. The prospect of not being able to watch Michael McIntyre clips on youtube panics me more than I can fully tell you.

My battery charger, after a long and drawn out ordeal, also died a painful death. Unable to acquire a new Dell charger, I resorted to the cheapest charger I could find. Please note that I searched for days to find said charger, and eventually found one at MediaArkt (8000square metres of electrical good hell) that cost a sickening 50 Euros. That was the CHEAPEST one! It is roughly the size and weight of your average clay brick and due to compatibility issues, I was incensed to discover, cannot charge my laptop, but instead acts only as a power source. Accidently knocking the flimsy cord and dislodging the charger has resulted in many unexpected shutdowns and much filthy sailor swearing.

My Clothes
My boots finally died. I have tried to fix them but alas, this time I don’t think I will be so lucky as to coax a few more days of fully zipped wear out of them. I also inspected the soles and found them alarmingly worn down and completely without grip. This would explain why the smooth tiles of my building’s entrance hall are such a treacherous seven steps for me. Today I closed them up by wrapping a thin belt around my calf. It didn’t look bad and if one was none the wiser, it could easily pass for pirate punk. But being in the know, the whole thing had the slightly musty smell of homelessness and free soup. Why not wear other shoes, you ask? The other flats I have here are all in similar states of disrepair. Holes abound. It was raining out. I thought it safer to wrap a belt around my lower leg.

All of my trousers have holes in them. My jeans are about to give. The darning on my black trousers is teetering on the brink of embroidery. The handles of my favourite oversized horse bag bought in Paris far too long ago are held on by safety pins. This is not ideal when carrying heavy loads. My Pringle socks have holes in the toes.

Everything is falling apart. At the seams. Other things on the precipice of ruin include my ridiculous mobile (what was I thinking, getting a Prada phone? The things I will do for an attractive carry case.) My headphones. My luggage. My Chloe Paddington. I won’t go into too much more detail as I don’t want this to seem as if I am complaining. I’m really not. I’m simply stating the facts as they are. I find the whole thing amusing really. It’s all a bit Poète Maudit, but no need for concern until I wake up in Nina Hamnett territory.