Falling apart at the seams

I feel utterly trashy. Not the good kind of trashy, a glitter on the pillow, smeared eye makeup and an inexplicable left brogue sans owner found in the kitchen kind of trashy. No, I am referring more to the plastic garden furniture in your living room kind of trashy.

Everything I own is falling apart.

My Laptop
The state of my laptop is thoroughly depressing. I remember when I got it and it seemed to weigh as little as a single stamped envelope. It was small and fast and the keys had just enough yield that typing created a pleasant tapping. My laptop seems to have aged with me. Let’s just say it’s not as svelte as it once was. I am embarrassed to show it in public. The keyboard is clogged. I have no explanation for this. I clean the keyboard regularly, and yet it seems as if a thin layer of filth has infected it and I need to type really hard for the letters to register on screen. Often, the C will refuse to work unless I hold my thumb down on it for several seconds. The F10 key is missing. Thankfully I have never had a use for the F10 key, so it doesn’t hinder me too much.

The insides of the poor thing are in even worse shape. At random intervals, my internet explorer will open umpteenth windows of whatever site I am on. Frantically, I work to shut them all down, but my computer is not as fast as it used to be and this takes time. Sometimes, if too many open up too quickly I simply have to wait for all 47 windows to open and the inevitable crash that ensues. At least once every 2-4 days, my screen flips upside down. There is an awful moment when the screen goes black and then my cursor will appear, the tiny arrow pointing down. Then the whole screen will return, only upside down. I have no idea why this happens. I’ve run virus checks, spyware checks, AVG, everything I can think of. Even my computer genius brother doesn’t know why it happens. When it does, I have to restore my system. This is not the most speedy of tasks. In fact, I believe that system restores are filed under ‘Ball Ache’ in the big book of life. To make matter worse, I have to restore my system UPSIDE DOWN and in reverse. When I drag my mouse right, the cursor goes left. It’s a bloody nightmare.

The speakers no longer work. They haven’t worked for about a year. However, you could still get sound through headphones. This morning, the headphone port spat out tiny bits of plastic and metal. In order to get sound before, you had to press the jack down, as there was, I can only assume, a bit of a dodgy connection. However, the laptop is apparently tired of that and now there is no sound to be had. At all. The prospect of not being able to watch Michael McIntyre clips on youtube panics me more than I can fully tell you.

My battery charger, after a long and drawn out ordeal, also died a painful death. Unable to acquire a new Dell charger, I resorted to the cheapest charger I could find. Please note that I searched for days to find said charger, and eventually found one at MediaArkt (8000square metres of electrical good hell) that cost a sickening 50 Euros. That was the CHEAPEST one! It is roughly the size and weight of your average clay brick and due to compatibility issues, I was incensed to discover, cannot charge my laptop, but instead acts only as a power source. Accidently knocking the flimsy cord and dislodging the charger has resulted in many unexpected shutdowns and much filthy sailor swearing.

My Clothes
My boots finally died. I have tried to fix them but alas, this time I don’t think I will be so lucky as to coax a few more days of fully zipped wear out of them. I also inspected the soles and found them alarmingly worn down and completely without grip. This would explain why the smooth tiles of my building’s entrance hall are such a treacherous seven steps for me. Today I closed them up by wrapping a thin belt around my calf. It didn’t look bad and if one was none the wiser, it could easily pass for pirate punk. But being in the know, the whole thing had the slightly musty smell of homelessness and free soup. Why not wear other shoes, you ask? The other flats I have here are all in similar states of disrepair. Holes abound. It was raining out. I thought it safer to wrap a belt around my lower leg.

All of my trousers have holes in them. My jeans are about to give. The darning on my black trousers is teetering on the brink of embroidery. The handles of my favourite oversized horse bag bought in Paris far too long ago are held on by safety pins. This is not ideal when carrying heavy loads. My Pringle socks have holes in the toes.

Everything is falling apart. At the seams. Other things on the precipice of ruin include my ridiculous mobile (what was I thinking, getting a Prada phone? The things I will do for an attractive carry case.) My headphones. My luggage. My Chloe Paddington. I won’t go into too much more detail as I don’t want this to seem as if I am complaining. I’m really not. I’m simply stating the facts as they are. I find the whole thing amusing really. It’s all a bit Poète Maudit, but no need for concern until I wake up in Nina Hamnett territory.